Tuesday, July 8, 2008

How to Become a Hot Vampire

I am excited that Amber has recently got into reading. I tend to be the reader in the house, so her new hobby lifted my hopes that we could talk about what we've read and learned. However, beggars cannot be choosers. While I'm reading snobby books on Einstein and Emerson, Amber has immersed herself in vampire culture by reading all of Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" books about a girl who falls in love with a vampire boy. I haven't read the books, so I can't justly critique them and be fair. The "Twilight" series has apparently become a pop culture phenom along the likes of Harry Potter. Which is good, I like to see more people reading...anything. So, kudos to Stephanie Meyer. Now, I've just got to get Amber interested in Orwell.

This leads me to a friend of mine at work and a strange conversation during surgery. As we're doing spine surgery, my friend Marie jokingly stated that she wants to become a vampire. I can't remember the rest of the conversation we all had, but I feel prompted to make a "how to" on becoming a vampire. How, do you ask, am I in the position to expound expert advise on becoming a vampire? I saw "the Lost Boys", duh.

1. Watch "the Lost Boys". It is the best vampire instructional film EVER. In order to start the vampire transformation, you need to look like a rock star. Just don't end up like "death by stereo", if you know what I mean.

2. Read the "Twilight" series by Stephanie Meyer. If you skin starts to glisten, you're on your way.

3. Start small with the blood sucking thing. Rare steak, open wounds after you've removed the scab, or small woodland creatures are a good start.

4. Get fangs. My freshman year in college, I went to see David Bowie and NIN in Portland, OR with my friends Tac n' Jen. I ran into a guy that must've been 6ft4in, looked like Joey Ramone, had a cape on, but also had porcelain fang implants. The implants are a definite, since it is probably too late to grow fangs (you would've had to start at birth with the vampire thing to grow 'em). Shaving the teeth down to make fangs is dumb. They just look like sharp stumps.

5. Listen to goth. I suggest the Cure or other depressing bands like Depeche Mode, the Smiths, Joy Division, et al. Some vampire like bands along the lines of Type O Negative, but they strike me as the child molester type, so stick with the Cure.

6. Act mysterious. I don't think I've ever seen a zealous vampire. Desperate, maybe. Keep your statements pithy, but profound. Always wear shades (the light, remember) and look pensive.

7. Take vitamin D supplements. You're a vampire now, so that means you're vitamin D deficient from lack of sun. You need to keep a body healthy. That blood you're sucking won't do it for you totally. You don't want to be an osteoporotic vampire do you?! Zinc will help the immune system.

So those are my 7 essential steps to becoming a vampire. Hope it helps those that desire to become a creature of the night. I also hope I haven't thoroughly scared off my few remaining friends with this post.

Next time: How to become a werewolf. Step 1. Rub Rogaine on your back and forehead and act like the typical frat boy.

Song of the Day: In Vein by Alkaline Trio


Tac Anderson said...

You did however forget one critical factor to becoming a hot vampire: date a young, hot, underage, high school girl who your torn between eating and making out with.

I do find it ironic that when I was in my college NIN/Cure/Anne Rice days Jen wanted nothing to do with it and now that I'm reading books on multichannel marketing metrics, strategic business innovation and Thomas Edison (The Einstein book is next on my list) she's now into dark, broody, sexually repressed vampires.

The Keister Family said...

I don't mind you turning into Edward, oops, I mean a hot vampire! However, please let me know before you decide to apply the rogaine to your back and chest - I'm not up for a werewolf in my house. Luv ya!